He had not sent anything. He had not received anything. He checked anyway, on the off chance.
David M., 44, checked his Bitcoin balance for the ninth time on Thursday, confirming on each occasion that it remained precisely what it had been on the previous eight.
He checked at breakfast, at a red light, and once in a meeting he described afterward as "important." No transaction had occurred in the interim. None was expected. The number sat there, the same number, doing the same thing numbers do.
He finds the figure both deeply reassuring and somehow insufficient, a paradox he intends to resolve by checking again shortly.
The balance has not moved since Tuesday. The man has consulted it forty times since.
Everything above is satire. Here is how it actually goes when you fix it.
What it does
The assistant shows what you hold and which coins — which UTXOs — it's sitting in, counted on your own node rather than reported by a company's server. So you can check it nine times an hour if you like, and no one anywhere learns that you did, or how much there is to check.
David: How much do I have right now?
Assistant: Here's your total, and here's how it breaks down across your coins. All read from your node — nobody else was asked, and nobody else was told.
Checking your balance should tell you something, and tell no one else anything. On your own node, it does exactly that.