Sources confirm the cheap option had been offered — clearly, in plain English — and waved away.
David M., 44, in a hurry to send a payment that was not in any particular hurry, selected the fastest available fee on Thursday, paying roughly $40 to shave an estimated six minutes off the wait.
He then spent those six minutes, and a further forty, refreshing the transaction and refreshing his balance, in the manner of a man guarding a kettle.
"I didn't want to risk it," David explained, of a transaction at no risk. He had been offered a quarter-dollar fee and a one-hour wait. He chose otherwise, decisively, the way one books a fire engine to cross the street.
The six minutes were saved. They were also, immediately and with interest, spent.
Everything above is satire. Here is how it actually goes when you fix it.
What it does
The assistant reads the current fee market straight from your own node and tells you, in plain English, what to pay for the speed you actually need — no fee oracle, no third-party estimate, no guessing. It offers you the cheap option when the cheap option will do. The panic, should you want it, remains yours to keep.
David: What fee should I pay?
Assistant: How fast do you need it to land?
David: Sometime today is fine.
Assistant: Then the cheap rate — it should land within the hour. Your node's telling me the fast lane is empty enough that paying more buys you almost nothing right now.
A fee is the price of being in a hurry. The assistant just makes sure you know whether you actually are.